Chelsea - a comparatively upscale neighborhood in the northern half of southern Manhattan - is a great place to grab a self-serious bite to eat, spend $300 on a "drape vest," and get hit on by affluent gay dudes who are super jacked because they have enough money and free time for things like gym memberships, sunbathing, and premium steroids. Chelsea features a prominent LGBT community, so a young man with money troubles may find gainful employment as a go-go boy at G Lounge, or in the bulging arms of an attentive "sugar daddy." Apart from the astronomical price of drinks, the only bad thing about Chelsea is that every single street smells like a dirty Humane Society kennel, because every single person in Chelsea owns a tiny dog that can piss more than twice its weight in pungent urine during each trip to the hot yoga studio. The most common sight in Chelsea is a "puggle" shivering in a tailored doggy sweater, sheepishly pooping on a pile of garbage set out by a "cultural fusion" restaurant while its owner hides his face behind a "drape vest" and pretends not to notice.
One of the most enjoyable (and surprisingly free) attractions in Chelsea is the High Line Park, which was built on a pre-existing freight train track. Though it was constructed during the Great Depression to transport crates full of homeless people to massive incinerators in the meat packing district, the track has since been converted into an elevated garden, featuring talking robot drinking fountains and a majestic view of every billboard in the area. The High Line offers a one-of-a-kind opportunity to enjoy the beauty of nature while simultaneously feeling trapped and disgusted by your urban lifestyle. If you're visiting in the summer, Chelsea Waterside Park is a great place to lay around spread-eagle with your oily ballsack swaddled in short shorts from American Apparel. Chelsea features many name-brand fashion outlets, but if you're in the mood for a unique shopping experience, visit boutique clothing store Behaviour. Here, for a mere $5,000 you can dress up like a glitch in the British Matrix and be the envy of that one super quiet guy on your floor who always wears his hair in a pony-hawk and carries an actual lunchbox to work.
